Yachty Jokes

Gordon died. So Susan went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Susan what she would like to say about Gordon.

Susan replied, "You just put, 'Gordon died.'"

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Gordon died?'

Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Gordon. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We really should say something more."

So Susan pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K., then. You put 'Gordon died. Sailboat for sale.'

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good-looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island.

One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself.

With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

Never enjoy a weekend without another bearded joke:

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband was snoring very loudly and every night ! So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband" said the doctor, "but it is really rather expensive. It will cost you $10,000 down, and payments of $1000 for 36 months, plus payments for extras of course.

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "that sounds like I'm buying a yacht!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?" 

A man fell overboard from his little sailboat, and was thrashing around in the water when another boat pulled up.
"Jump in, we'll save you" - they screamed.
"No" cried the drowning man, "God will save me".
The scene was repeated twice more and then a helicopter hovered over the man.
"We came to rescue you" yelled the pilot.
"No, God will save me" was the response again.
The man drowned, and as he crossed the Pearly Gates, he ran straight to Jesus.
"I placed my faith in You, and You let me drown?!
""Hey!" said Jesus. "I sent three boats and a helicopter".

Late one foggy night two boaters collide head on while trying to navigate a narrow inlet channel. Both their boats were damaged, disabled and slowly sinking.

As they each watched their boats slowly slip away beneath them, the first boater said " You know, this is a sign that we should never take life for granted and that we should live it to the fullest".

"You are right," said the other boater as he opened a cooler and pulled out a bottle of bourbon whisky. Let's drink to living well for the rest of our lives.

The first boater took the bottle and, after a big swig, handed it back to the other boater who in turn quickly threw it into the river.

More than a little surprised the first boater exclaimed " You didn't take a drink!?"

"Naw", said the other boater "I think I'll just wait for the Coast Guard to show up."

It’s a while since I logged on, been having problems at work, got a head full of a cold, still haven’t won the lottery, the weather is dismal, the country is going to the dogs, etc, etc, etc.

Then I read all you jokes and suddenly I feel better. Can we have some more please before I have a relapse.

Mike

A traveling salesman broke down on the bad side of town one evening after a long day of door-to-door sales. After calling AAA from a payphone, he decided to wait in for the tow truck in a nearby bar.

He sat down on a bar stool in the corner of the bar to quietly nurse his beer. Trying to mind his own business, he was shocked to look across the bar to find a very large, muscular sailor doing shots. While the sailor's chest and arms were huge, the salesman was shocked to notice that his head was about as big as a grapefruit. Needless to say, he couldn't help but stare.

Soon the sailor stood up from his stool and swaggered over to the salesman, who was shaking in his loafers. When he reached him, the sailor said, "I see you staring at my head over here."

"N-no," the salesman responds, "I wasn't, really, I .."

"That's okay," the sailor said and sits down next to him. "I want to tell you my story. I was out at sea last year and there was a terrible storm. My ship was sunk, and everyone drowned but me. I struggled to stay afloat and managed to swim to the shore of a deserted island. I stayed there all alone for six months, eating coconuts and crabs.

One morning I was woken up by screams coming from the lagoon. Running down there, I discovered a woman struggling in the thick seaweed. I ran down to the water, ripped the seaweed from her naked body, and pulled her up to the beach. She was a mermaid! I stood gawking at her for a while, and then she thanked me, offering to grant me three wishes.

My first wish was to be back home before the end of the day. She said, 'Okay.' My second wish was to have a billion dollars so I would never have to go to sea again. She said, 'Okay.' Then I scratched my head and tried to think of something else. I said, 'Well, since I don't really need anything else, how about we have some sex?' She smiled and wagged her fish tail at me. 'Silly,' she said, 'look at me. I can't have sex with you.' I laughed and said, 'Oh okay, then how about a little head?'"

This is the actual transcript of a radio conversation between a British Navy ship and the Irish Coastguard, off the coast of Kerry, 1O.Oct 95

Irish. Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south, to avoid collision

British. Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north, to avoid collision

Irish. Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south ' to avoid collision.

British. This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Irish. Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course

British. THIS IS THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY 3 DESTROYERS, 3 CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT SHIPS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS FLOTILLA.

Irish. THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE ....... YOUR CALL!

A group of Skippers are walking through town looking for crew, when they see a five-story building with a sign that read, "Crew Association: Ship’s Crew Available" Since they are without their crews, they decide to go in. The Security Guard, a very salty type, explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor and once you find what you are looking for, for crew, you can go there and make a selection. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you who's inside."
Everything seems wonderful, so they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the crew on this floor are beginners." The skippers laugh, and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All the crew here are experienced, smart but weak."
Still, this isn't good enough, so the Skippers continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the crew here are experienced, smart and strong." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they kept going. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect, "All the crew here are experienced, smart, strong and Former Americas Cup Champions." The Skippers get excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads, "There are no crew here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a Skipper!"

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. What’d you do with the ship?"

Encore, encore! 

Mike

As a result of a near mutiny the overbearing and arrogant captain was forced to see a psychiatrist by order of the commodore.

As soon as the captain became comfortable on the couch, the psychiatrist began the session by asking the captain, "Why don't you start at the beginning?"

The captain said, " Okay. In the beginning I created heaven and the earth......."

A novice fisherman was lost. Maneuvering his Jon Boat close to another fisherman's boat he shouted, " Excuse me sir, I promised my wife that I would be home on time and I'm afraid I don't know where I am. Can you help me?"

The other fisherman replied, " Sure, You are on a lake. You're in a Jon boat with a 20 HP gas outboard motor. You are between 35 and 36 degrees north latitude and between 80 and 81 degrees west longitude in about 18 feet of water."

"You must be a republican," said the novice.

" I am and proud of it," said the other fisherman. " How did you know?"

" Well, "answered the novice, "everything you've told me may be technically correct, but certainly not responsive to the intent of my question and my current need. I have no idea what to make of what you just said and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me at all and now I'm going to be late getting home!"

The other fisherman responded. "You must be a democrat."

"I am and proud of it," replied the novice, " but how did you know that?"

"Well, "said the other fisherman, "you don't know where you are or how to get where you want to go. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you were lost and in danger of being late getting home before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did for years he guided merchant ships all over the world.

Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.

In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

Port Left, Starboard Right.

---

An ambitious I.T. Manager finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. ...at least for a while.

A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowing boat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowing boat didn't wash up, nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the boat?"

"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowing boat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a 'still'. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. "Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines --strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

What if the Battle of Trafalgar would have to take place in modern times?

Just before the Battle of Trafalgar - a conversation is overheard on the deck of HMS Victory;

Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy.”
Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.”
Nelson: “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to Flags. What’s the meaning of this?”
Hardy: “Sorry sir?”
Nelson (reading aloud): ” England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.” “What gobbledygook is this?”
Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”

Nelson: “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.”
Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.”
Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”

Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it ………..full speed ahead.”
Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.”
Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please.”
Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir.”
Nelson: “What?”
Hardy: “Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.”
Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”
Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle Admiral.”
Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”
Hardy: “Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.”
Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”

Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”
Hardy: “A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven’t you seen the adverts?”
Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”
Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
Nelson: “What? This is mutiny !”
Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”

Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not.”
Nelson: “We’re not?”
Hardy: “No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”
Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”
Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary report.”
Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.”
Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life”

Nelson: “Don’t tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”
Nelson: “What about sodomy?”
Hardy: “I believe that is now legal, sir.”

Nelson: “In that case …kiss me, Hardy.

Every Yacht Club event ended the same way, with the Doctor, the Lawyer, and the Engineer in heated argument. This Friday, they were arguing over which had the smarter dog, and having had enough of the ongoing feud, the Commodore stepped in.

“Next Friday, you'll all three bring your dogs here, and we'll put them to the test.”

 

Friday came, and a space on the floor was cleared for the competition. First to go was the Doctor's dog. A bag of bones was dumped in front of the dog, the whistle blew, the Doctor gave his command, and the dog went to work.

Within a few minutes, the Doctor's dog had reassembled the entire skeleton. The crowd cheered!

Next came the Engineer's dog. The bag of bones dumped, the whistle blew, and within a few minutes the dog had assembled the bones into a scale replica of the Golden Gate bridge.

The crowd was stunned. Surely this was the smartest dog in the world!

Finally came the Lawyer's dog. When the whistle was blown, the dog jumped up, ate all of the bones, screwed the other two dogs, crapped all over the place, and then sent everyone a bill.

A salty cruising boat pulled in to dock, and a stunningly beautiful woman stepped off with a parrot on her shoulder.

“Where did you get that?” asked one of the dock rats.

“Met her online,” replied the parrot.

A terrible skipper was going back and forth through the anchorage, searching for a place to drop the hook before dark. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a good spot, I will donate to charity, give up the demon rum, treat women with respect, pay my taxes, and never again give my crew all of the blame and none of the glory!"

Miraculously, the boat with the best spot in the bay began pulling up anchor to leave.

The skipper looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one myself."

An old sailing ship is becalmed at sea with a full complement of sailors. They are stuck there for days and days with nothing to do. One morning the captain decides he is going to lay on some entertainment for the men. He orders a barrel to be placed on the top deck. It has an orifice in the side and he invites each one of the men to "take the pleasures" of the barrel to their heart's content. Soon a full-fledged hedonistic orgy is underway. The men are cheerful once again and morale is boosted. Things reach such a frenzy that even the captain's dog has a go. Once the party is over and the barrel is full of the team's spirit, it is bunged up and thrown overboard. The ship sails away. A few days later the barrel comes ashore on the beach of a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. The only inhabitants of the island are the nuns who have founded their convent there. The nuns find the barrel and open it. They don't recognize the contents and take it to be wax, from which they fashion candles. Of course, nuns being nuns, they use the candles in the way only nuns can. Nine months later an inordinate number of babies appear inexplicably on the island. One of the nuns is very guilty about her sins and approaches the Mother Superior for confession. "Forgive me, Mother. I have had a baby." The Mother Superior says, "That's nothing, my child. I've had puppies."

A sailor awakes one morning at anchor to find a gorilla sitting in his spreaders. Not knowing what to do, he puts a PAN-PAN out on channel 16. Moments later comes a response:

“Gorilla Removal Service on 16, can we have your LAT/LON please?”

He gives his location, and within moments a bright orange 30' RIB with twin outboards roars into the anchorage – carefully slowing as it approaches, so as not to upset the simian in the rig. The sailor steps cautiously out of the companionway to tie the rib alongside. The Gorilla watches.

After a quick introduction, and the painful “Yep, that's a gorilla,” the Gorilla Removal Technician (GRT) begins handing things up to the sailor from the RIB. First comes a 10 foot (3m) graphite pole. Next is a 12 gauge double-barrel shotgun, followed by an enormous set of handcuffs. Finally, the GRT hands up a bright orange crate with 'FRAGILE' and 'CAUTION' printed over every side, and climbs aboard himself.

The GRT opens the crate, and out steps a Chihuahua. The small dog circles the crate twice, sits down, and stares up at the gorilla.

“OK, so here's the plan:” says the GRT. “I will climb up your mast, and poke at the ape with the pole. When he falls from the mast, this dog is highly trained to fearlessly go right for his testes. When the gorilla crosses his hands to protect himself, we clap on the handcuffs, and away we go!”

“Wow,” replies the sailor. “you must do this a lot!” Then he looks at the shotgun. “So what's this for?”

“Well, I need you to hold that. In case I fall off of the mast before the gorilla, I need you to shoot that god-damned dog.”

Nothing compares with these marine specific jokes, I enjoyed myself very much the last time I've been on Royal Caribbean, that was a perfect cruise: the right entourage and the right perfect places. I would try that again and perhaps I'll come with some jokes of my own to share them with you guys.